February 8, 2004

USSR Back in Black

By AP Russian Correspondent Iosef Ulyanov

Moscow, USSR--

Russia, Armenia, Azerbaijan, Belarus, Estonia, Georgia, Kazakhstan, Kyrgyzstan, Latvia, Lithuania, Moldova, Tajikistan, Turkmenistan, Ukraine, and Uzbekistan were reunited today under the newly black banner of the USSR.

Early this morning underground Soviet agents simultaneously converged on the capitols of every former SSR and seized control of their governments. At 0724 AM Moscow time, an official from the Kremlin confirmed what had happened.

"We have determined what was wrong with the old USSR," the official said. "The color red was never right for the Soviet people. Red is a nasty, ugly, and aggressive color, totally unlike the people of the USSR. It was this association with these attributes of red that also caused the world to look upon us as some negative superpower out to communize everyone.

"To erase this negative image of the real, friendly USSR, we have decided to adopt black instead. Black because it is easily seen across the vast expanses of Siberia, black because it absorbs heat, black because it isn't red."

Black soldiers, black flags, black cars, and black AK-74 assault rifles were a few of the items highlighted by the new government. Black bread was given out as well.

The citizens of the reincarnated communist power agreed, and in fact seem glad at the reemergence of their dictatorial government. "I'm really glad they got rid of that red color scheme. When the USSR went, I was sad for it, but the disappearance of red plastered all over the city more than made up for its passing."

"My co-workers and I used to talk about going back to a communist government. Those were the days when everyone had a job and the world gave us the respect we deserved! But then we thought about the horrendous red that would come with it and we quickly disposed of the idea. To come back with a black color instead of red; now that is what we needed!"

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